It wasn’t our first kiss. It wasn’t even our most passionate kiss, but it was a kiss that changed everything.
For months I was trying to move past the fact that I still had, even after all the years I’ve known him, powerful feelings for him. Fairly recently, I came to the conclusion that I can not let him go, and he will always be in my life no matter what. I’d rather be on his roller-coaster than anyone else’s.
The first time I saw him after this realization, he made my heart jump and my knees weak. He looked and smelled just as I remembered; his eyes were just as full of compassion and familiarity. The feeling of his hug took me back in time to the sense of perfection. His smile helped the setting sun, shine.
Our conversation, although shorter than usual, was easy following with laughter and friendly banter. We caught up with each other’s lives, and there may have been a few pauses as I stumbled over my words. As we tried to leave, since we both had to get back on the road to home, we talked, and each topic turned into a new topic.
As we were saying goodbye, we exchanged pleasantries and hopeful words. With our goodbye hug came the blank mind as I felt where our bodies touch, everywhere tingled and I could tell my body did not want to lose the connection. The hug grew longer and tighter, and his left arm found its way to around my waist, and my breath became shallow. We breathed together in the same rhythm, in the same space as neither of us wanted to break. As we pulled back from one another, something changed, something in his eyes, something that I never could place, but have seen before.
With each look, he hesitates as he moves his lips towards mine. I could tell he wasn’t quite sure if he should or not. I knew with every fibre of my being I wanted to kiss him. As my stomach started to twist and turn, I leaned up towards him, giving him a subtle hint. Our lips met, and I could feel it all the way to my toes. A shiver pulsed through my body as I put my hand on his hip and slightly pulled his shirt, thus him, closer towards me.
My body was giggling as he pulled away and then processed to flower me with little kisses. With each kiss, the sensation of tying knots with my insides was overwhelming with the flip-flopping of my stomach. They were the sweetest kisses from the most loving man, and I was leaving for a completely different city. How do I deal with that?
With our final goodbye, we just looked at each other with our hands intertwined. I walked away and let go of the most amazing man I have ever met. Turning around, I could barely take in my surroundings, my head was light, and everything seemed a little blurry. Once I got into my car, and the moment came rushing back, I almost started to cry. I am not entirely sure, however, if they would have been out of joy or sadness.
With the absolute emotional mess, I’d become in those few seconds, I needed to drive away so that he wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want him to see me start to come undone. Driving away, I looked back to his car, wishing I could just give him one more hug. Turning the corner away from him, I started to shake, and an overwhelming chill hit me. All my brain could process was the kiss and the crushing awareness that I had no idea what he was really thinking or what actually happened.